First of all
I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while.
I had to take a step back. Just for a while, just to breath, to survey the horizon.
I’ve been doing some pretty intense work with my therapist. She has literally saved me. There’s no need to go into gory detail but when this year started I’d had 0 suicide attempts in my life. I’m hoping the the 3 I’ve now chalked up will be the only 3 I’ll ever have.
I’m finally accepting everything that’s happened. For a long time I thought I had accepted it. I kept telling her in session that I had but in reality I hadn’t. I told my friends, my family – anyone that would listen really I had accepted it. I was lying to myself.
So here goes…..
The only man I have ever loved is gone. He’s living with someone else. He didn’t treat he very well sometime. Sometimes he treated me kindly. Sometimes he was mentally abusive. For a long time I allowed that. Sometimes I baited him. For a long long time I’ve been incredible lonely. I believed that any attention from him (no matter now damaging) was better than none. The man I loved likes to email me. Sometime I still reply, if I don’t he starts texting. Sometimes the emails make me cry but this is rare. The man I loved is terrified I no longer want him in my life. The man I loved still refers to me by my pet name and signs them with his. I have kept them all. I may need them in the future.
I’m going to try hard not to talk about him much anymore.
This is about me and not him. He’s gone, he’s a shadow, a ghost. A faceless form that haunts my dreams and only communicates electronically.
So onwards and upwards.
A very kind wordpresser once wrote a blog entry called
The yellow brick road
At the time it was written I had no hope just pain, just white hot putrid pain.
I couldn’t imagine laughing, smiling, or hoping ever again.
But maybe I’m now finally finding my way back to the living.
Back when everything happened the first call I made was to a friend of mine.
She was friends with both of us, she has actually been the one to warm me of Its history as a home wrecker.
But I didn’t call her to tell her she was right, I called her because she was my closest friend.
I remember only just getting the words out and she burst into tears. She kept saying
No Mandy No
I only contacted her a few times after the initial fall out. She was too close to the pain.
I’m planning a lunch date with her next week. Seeing her reminds me of him but she worth it.
I have a little clarity now without the drama.
To tell you everything that has happened would take too long but nothing really has happened.
The world has kept spinning and I’ve learnt to break free of 99% of the contact.
I’m starting to spread my wings.
Eharmony was a total punt, a shot in the dark.
An experiment really.
I have no idea what the dating scene is like and just wanted a little in site into how adults talk to potential mates.
In reality it was way too early but my therapist keep telling me there is no rule book.
I fired a few messages out.
Got a few phone numbers straight off.
Ignored them all – anyone who gives you their phone number without even talking to you is not someone I want to know.
And then there was band dude.
He was polite but persitant. Encouraging but challenging. Serious but sweet.
After 4 weeks I gave him my number.
He asked for a date and I declined.
I told him a little of what had happened, that in had no interest in sleeping around and was looking for someone I could really get to know.
He went quite for a while then asked if he could visit me in February.
So the day after valentines day he’s traveling 200 miles to spend the day with me.
All he wants is a walk on the beach.
We text everyday and chat on the phone each week.
I know I shouldn’t but I fully expect him to come to his senses and call our little meeting off.
Band dude is quirky, he likes the same books and tv as me.
We like the same music and the same festivals.
I’m still living in the house share but I’m looking for a new place with (female) boxing buddy.
I’ve had a little promotion at work.
So life I suppose is moving on, like rusty gears turning for the first time in a while, things are slow but there is progress.
I’m not so innocent that I believe that me and band guy are destined to be a couple and have a million kids, but I do think I may have gained a friend and maybe a little hope that everything will one day be ok.
And to finish I think I’ll steal a quote from the blog entry that stayed with me for the last 8 months.
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul. And sings to the tune without words, and never stops at all.