My days are long and slow and painful.
They are marked by mile stones that are no longer valid for me
7.30 am – I should be getting up and making him breakfast and packing his lunch box but hes not here.
10.30 am – He would be having tea break – He would find the little letter of the day, it would be folded under his sandwich in his lunch box. sometimes it would only be a little picture of a heart, sometimes a smiley face, sometimes a sex act i plan to offer up that night. Just something to make him smile. But there’s no little letter of the day because i don’t pack his lunchbox anymore.
12 noon – Its his lunch – He would call me, we would have a little chat about the day. We tend not to speak on the phone anymore and i really don’t want to hear about his working day anymore (he works with her – its how they met)
5.30 pm – He would be leave now – but hes not coming home to me.
I miss him – i miss him with every part of me.
We are still under contract with the flat for another month or so, i cant afford to pay this myself so he is helping me pay – only a 5th of the rental cost, but because of this he has decided to keep the key and return to eat and shower. My wages cover the bills but only just so the £200 i get from him I’m using to pay for food and travel.
During a shower/dinner visit – i chat to him while he showers, he chats to me in the kitchen while i cook dinner, something then happens which i have promised to God will not happen again. Later we are chatting on the sofa with tea – I’m on cloud 9 – I’m happy. I think i can do this because i haven’t really lost him. I just kinda don’t have him all the time (YES IM AN UTTER FOOL – I KNOW THAT NOW)
He then starts a conversation that i will remember to my dying day – i will remember it because i looked into his eyes when he took my last piece of hope and ripped the throat out of it.
I was thinking – do i know you? Are you human? Did i ever know you? Did you ever love me?
I truly believed that the worst things had been said – comparing my sexual performance to her, telling me about the underwear she wears for him and him giving me a list of the sex acts they did.
I thought these things he had said where a moment of madness – the stress of finally ending things.
But there was worst to come –
We are having issues affording first months rent and deposit on a place!
Well this place would be perfect for us!
(there had been talk about him wanting the flat when he first told me but i was not willing to leave)
Shes come up with a few ideas on how to save us money and get the flat!
My Brain is stalling, I’m trying to process what is being said. I don’t understand – We have had a lovely evening – i don’t understand.
Well She thinks if i stop paying you the £200 a month then you wont be able to go to work or eat and then you will have to go home.
Or she thinks she should just turn up with her bags and move in. I’m still on the tenancy so legally i can come back anytime.
Do you think she will be safe?
I wouldn’t let you hurt her.
You would have to leave her alone at some point.
Well I’m not saying i would do it. I’m not saying i agreed, it was just an idea!
Could you? Could you do this to me? Could you move her in? If you could do it to me is she not worried one day you could do it to her?
I look in his eyes. I’m crying now – I’m truly damaged.
How many more ways can he find to hurt me?
I don’t think there are anymore, but i thought the same thing before he stepped through the door that evening.