He’s going to leave.

He is going to leave to stay on a friends sofa.

She still lives with her parents so he cant go there.

He will stay there until they find a place together.

I want to die – i cant do this.

I love him so so much.

Hes leaving me.

 

I gave him everything – my first and only love, my first and only lover, my life, my soul.

 

I have nothing – i hate myself.

I’m empty – I’m a shell.

I have no future.

 

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Pretending to be normal – and totally failing

We woke up the next morning and got ready for work, he was dropping me off then drove on to his work.

We didn’t really speak – Im still like a rabbit in the head lights – numb,scared,shocked and broken.

I get out the car and tell him I love him, I can’t remember if he tells me the same.

I have to walk a little way to work.

I stop by the river, I take out me phone and dial my parents number – I know dad is home on Monday mornings.

Mum picks up.

Mum….

What’s wrong?!

Is dad there with you?

Yer he is.

Can you go into the bedroom and put me on speaker phone.

Autopilot has made me aware that my little brothers and sisters will be getting ready for school and I don’t want them to hear this.

What’s wrong Mandy?!

I….. I……

That’s all I get out. I break down totally in public. I can here mum running down the stairs calling my dads name. She sounds scared. Not knowing how to really work her phone she has to ask my little sister to put me on speaker phone.

Mandy, what’s wrong.

I don’t really remember much else about the conversation with them except for the fact I can’t bring myself to tell them about the phone call. I mention a friendship that he has developed but say nothing else about that side of it.

I say he is unhappy. I tell them I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I ask them if I can move into their dinning room (Mum and dad have always made it clear there is always a home for you – they have converted their dining room into a spare bedroom a few times over the years).

I realise looking back over this conversation I am in total and utter denial.

One thing I do remember is repeating something I still struggle with now.

I have no roots
I have no roots

After moving away from all my friends and family 7 years ago to be in the part of the country he wanted I lost all my old friends. With the level of financial and emotional constraint that was exercised over me during the relationship I had not made any close friends since moving either.

I felt rootless.

I can’t remember how the conversation ended. The next thing I remember is being at work having a weigh in (sponsored slim-athon for charity that had been arranged the month before).

I remember feeling like I was looking at everyone through fog.

People kept telling me i looked ill.

I lasted 10 minutes then vomited all over the ladies room floor.

I leave work telling them I have a virus.

I go home – I call him on the way – he is mad at me for not dealing with this better.

I don’t remember anything else after the phone call to him.

(Thanks to my mum and dad for helping me remember the order of the day)

It’s all a bit hazy!

From the morning after that conversation things become a little blurry for awhile.

I know what order things happened in but the exact time scales are foggy.

My brain doesn’t want to remember I’ve been told.

I’ve been amazed by the way it went into auto pilot.

I use to watch a program when I was younger about the human body and it being powered my tiny people pulling levers and pushing buttons.

I almost feel that is what happened. His words filtered in to my ears and the little person running the audio department starts running around like a sailor in a sinking ship. He would be pushing buttons and throwing switches shouting

Auto pilot!!!
Auto pilot!!!

I imagine this message finally reached the brain, the little man running things there looks in horror at the command. He reaches for a big red button that sits under a glass hood –autopilot–

I imagine that when the button clicks into place steam is vented and red light flick on in his little cabin.

It makes me smile this little image.

I’m going to keep writing – I’m going to use texts/emails/letters to make sure the timeline is right.

I’m also going to be honest about the part I have played in this. I have to face up to my own mistakes.

The very second I realised I had been told half truths and select facts!!

Somehow I managed to make It through till that day, the trip home, dinner and going to bed.

I don’t remember any of it mind you

We lay in bed side by side

What would you do if we did split?

I can’t think about it, I want to make this work.

But you need to think about it.

Why? I don’t want to. I love you

I’m just saying. If I decide to leave then you need to know what you are going to do.

From a purely practical point of view there’s nothing we can do until August anyway, the contract on this place goes till then anyway.

………..

Well I know you couldn’t pay for this place by yourself anyway. Maybe we could try to make thing work till then.

You always said if something happened with me and someone else you would go back to your parents. You said you would just leave with your handbag.

Well life’s a bit different in practice isn’t it?

Yer – well if you want to go ill find someone else to pay the rent. You can you know if to want to – just take your bag and go. I don’t want you unhappy.

Who would you get to pay the rent,(best friend) has just signed a new contract, he couldn’t move in.

No HE couldn’t

Well then who? …… Oh ….. Right….. OK.

That is the exact moment I realised this went far deeper and had been going on a lot longer than 24 hours.

What a prize fool I had been.

How gullible, how trusting.

Never again!!!