Unexpected call!

I’ve been struggling lately.

Haven’t really been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Seem to be going backwards.

Didn’t really see how I was going to break free of this downward spiral.

Got a call today – the NHS therapist.

He explained they all have meetings each month with their supervisors and managers. They discuss their patients to see if they are doing the right thing.

Due to ‘recent events’ (I assume they mean the PTSD) they have re-assessed my case. It’s been decided I will go to from – monthly 30 mins sessions to – weekly 60 min sessions.

Ill now be seeing my therapists supervisor – he said that she is better equipped to help me – he said she was amazing.

During my last session I told my therapist about Black Thursday, I’m worried now. The last thing I need is to be branded ‘a mental’ – as dipstick called me when he heard I was signed off sick and on meds.

I’m not going to tell work – I’ve just gone for a promotion.

I’ve felt I needed something to help me try to move on, I’m not seeming to mange it by myself. I read a lot of blogs about divorce and break ups, everyone else seems to cope so well. I just can’t seem to get past the fact he has gone – I just can’t seem to cope on my own. I can’t seem to move past the pain.

Also just a little note to NHS workers. The service you provide makes a massive difference – my therapist, my case worker, my doctor – they have all been amazing supportive people.

Living in twilight zone!!

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last week about me.

Every time I try to do this it ALWAYS switched back to thinking about dipstick.

Having this week off has been good with little bro. He’s immature for his age which has been good for me in many ways. He has demanded a lot of my time, but I have had time to think. Too much time really.

Every branch of my life feels wrong to the core. Everything feels alien, it feels like I’m watching a television program.

This is not my life, this is not I signed up for.

7 years ago I moved 300 miles away from my family to live on a small island just off the UK.

I gave up college, my job and contact with my family.

I was faithful to him in every way.

I used all my money to Kay the bills.

He told me we would go back to our home town once a month.

We ended you going back twice a year.

I have been left with nothing.

Pretty much everything hurts.

I feel like screaming till my vocal cords implode.

But I’m trying to not dwell on all this (yes I know that’s laughable considering my daily posts, but believe me I am trying).

So here what I must do in the next week.

Do a budget.

Make a list of options that I need to pick from by Christmas.

Set up payment plan to dipstick – he wants half the value of the furniture I have kept.

Set up payment to house share for half bills and rent.

I hate dragging myself through this shit.

It’s all shit.

I can’t help thinking I should have moved in by myself but there’s nothing I can do now.

House share has made no more remarks about taking thing further. I hope he gets it now.

I miss dipstick, I don’t know why. I still don’t understand either why I haven’t stopped loving him or why I miss him.

I’m hoping I stop loving him soon, I hope I stop missing him!

Choices – I don’t know what to do!!

I’ve been thinking about my options today.

My options seem extensive but they all seem to lack meaning. I can’t see the point in any of them.

I have to have a plan by Christmas

A = Stay on this little island and watch him get remarried.

B = Move back to my home town – where his family live. Watch him come home to visit. See the school we met in. My heart being clawed out at every corner.

C = little Bro’s choice is for me to move to London.

D = Put a pin in a map – move there.

E = Go traveling.

F = Travel to the moon and set up camp!

F’s winning out at the moment!

If I could have any wish I would have my mind wiped of any memory of him. I would have the pain, the hurt all wiped out of my head.

I wish I had never met him.

Loss

There is a gent I work with, I’m going to call him Ned.

Ned lost his mother 1 week before I found out about dipstick.

I had a month off work when it all happened.

When I came back he came and found me. We had a chat, we found that many of the same thought and feelings where flitting around our heads.

We catch up every week and chat about what we have been up to.

We cleaned out the flats at the same time.

Sorted out the utility bills at the same time.

Another person at work joined one of our chats the other day. I got up to make the coffees. While I was I up she turned to Ned and said (obviously a lot more loudly than she meant to it be or she was being particularly cruel).

‘Your mums dead, Mandy’s husband has ONLY left her, what could yo possible have in common? Do you not just wanna give her a slap and tell her to snap out of it?’

Ned was quite for a moment – I had my back to them. I kinda froze, felt a sudden rush of tears. I suddenly felt so guilty – how could I have assumed that Ned was finding our chats as therapeutic as I was?! Stupid cow!!

‘It’s funny really, most of this is the same – the aftermath I mean. But your right that there are some major differences.
I mean I get to go home to my wife at night, to my home. Mandy of course gets to go to an empty house, a house that she loves but she now has to leave.
Then there’s the finances, I’m waiting on my inheritance now. It’s costly and there’s lots of legal stuff but that’s my future cemented now. Dipstick took everything so Mandy’s struggling to just make it to payday now.
I suppose there’s the future plans too, with my inheritance I get to start planning the trip to Africa. Mum would have loved it so I’m going to get it sorted ASAP. Mandy’s plans to go to New York are off now to many memories for her. The plan to buy the cottage is off now too – dipstick has now moved to ‘insert town of choice for Mandy’s cottage here’ with her so there’s no way se can do it now.
I miss my mum. I miss her like mad but I’ve got my wife, my kids my future. What’s Mandy got now?’

I had made the coffee by this point, Ned’s speech made me smile, it made me feel like someone had my back.

What’s happened isn’t the same, I know that but once I say sat down he said to me.

‘I get to remember the happy times with my mum, maybe you will to one day. I get to idolise my mum there’s nothing she can do now to break that. He’s still hurting you even though he’s gone. I feel for you Mandy. It would have been easier if he’d Died Mand but you’ll get there, you will’

I was still crying but I was smiling a little now too.

Calm after the storm.

I feel a little calmer today.

I feel a little more zen.

I starting to think about my options for after the house share has finished.

I have no idea what to do!

I’m thinking about a million things!

Too many options really!

Too many things to consider – I am thinking about moving out of the UK.

Maybe a totally fresh start somewhere new, somewhere totally new or is that running away?

Realisation

I’m blogging loads today but it feels like on my non anniversary I have to get this stuff out.

I feel full of it, like he’s busting out of my every pore.

Like if I start screaming I’m never gonna stop.

I just been hit by a shocking realisation.

I’m sitting playing Lego with little bro.

Little bro is 12.

I was 12 when I went home and told my dad I was going to marry dipstick.

12

What life choices can you make at 12.

12 – I’m shocked.

I still miss him.

I feel small!!

My skin feels too small, I wanna burst out.

I feel barely contained.

I feel like I can’t scream loud enough.

I feel like I’m being held to this planet by a thread.

I feel like I’m cracked and my soul is leaking out.

HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME!!

HOW COULD HE TAKE MY FUTURE!!

I WAS HONEST.

I WAS FAITHFUL.

I have nothing.

Today is the non day!!

Can’t focus today.

House share is taking us to a places little bro wants to go.

I can’t think straight, cant focus – feel so disconnected.

It’s a bank holiday today so I wonder what they are doing.

I hate my life that I lead now – seems like its full of nothing, full of shadows.

I never signed up for this, never asked for it!

I feel so utterly lost.

Feel empty.

Feel alone.

Hurt.

Sad.

Broken.

Exhausted.

I’m starting to think I should have moved back to be with my family.

What’s an anniversary when the original event is no longer valid.

A day or 2 ago I felt I was going to pull myself out if this, I’m not so sure now.

I feel I need to cleanse my old life – start a new one – somewhere else. I feel I need to be someone else.

This 6 month house share will be my way if saving. Starting a nest egg. But what I do at the end of the 6 months I have no idea.

I feel like changing my name and being someone else. Like a snake I want to leave my skin behind. Leave the pain, the hurt, the longing, the regret and my old life behind.

I feel so utterly lost.

Raw inside and out.

I’m surprised by how fluid my emotions are.

I feel like to the outside world I look normal but I’m so raw.

I feel like someone has removed my skin, like I’m a raw bleeding bundle of nerve endings.

Everything invokes a memory/feeling/sensation/mood.

It’s never ending and exhausting.

I spend my days avoiding these sensations, anything to avoid thinking about him.

Anything to be stable.

So far the list is –

Him.
Her.
His family.
His friends.
Their workplace.
Music that we brought while together.
Songs about love/cheating.
Pictures of him/us/his family/her/them.
Places him/us/his family/they go/went to.
Newspaper stories about cheating.
Black cars.
Grey cars.
The 12 boxes of our stuff that is in storage that I can’t bring myself to look at.
All my jewellery.
My body.
Ann summers underwear stores – he told me this is where she buys the underwear she wears for him.
Terry’s chocolate orange.
Baileys.
Christmas.
Lego.
Eating.
West side of the island.
The whole of the island during the weekend.
My glasses.
Scales.
Couples kissing.
Couples in love.
Westie dogs.
My hometown.
My old school.
5.30 pm Monday to Friday
Noon Monday to Friday.
An clothes I ever wore whilst with him.
Tv shows we watched together.
Lay ins.
Night time.
Waking up.
Friends taking about their relationships.
My birthday.
3rd July.
27th and 28th August.
Early February.
My feet.
My fat.
Thinking about sex.
Talking about sex.
Our old favourite restaurant.
Going for a coffee.
Our favourite foods.

Everything listed above make me think about him.

Tomorrow it would be my anniversary!

Confused and in pain!!

Little bros down with me now. I’m having issues.

He’s very demanding but I’m am enjoying myself.

I miss dipstick so so much today.

I’ve not replied to any of his texts for 7 days!!

I hurt so much, a physical pain, an ache.

I feel that if I reply the hurt might stop,
It’s getting harder not easier.

Tomorrow would be our anniversary, if he texts me tomorrow……. well I don’t know.

I stick by my post yesterday – I’m pining for him.

Is there a cure for it? Anyone got any ideas?

The feeling of rootlessness has returned.

I feel empty and in pain and hurt.

How could he have done this to me.

Half of me thinks I’ve become so down because of the anniversary!!

My life seems devoid of all meaning!!