One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

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Dicing with danger or a good idea?

A friend spoke to me today, suggested I went on a date?!

Considering the place I have been in recently this idea hadn’t even entered my head.

I actually laughed when he said it but his reaction to my giggling made me think.

‘Mandy I’m not saying go have sex with someone, I’m saying go out for dinner with someone. Have a laugh, let someone make you feel valued. Join a dating site, remember that the globe is still turning. You think the end has ended, there’s lots of world out there Mandy, maybe you need to be reminded of that. Just remember don’t have sex with anyone.’

I’ve downloaded a dating website app.

I’m going to have a play with it.

Dead behind the eyes!!

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will know how low I have been.

After the initial impact of finding out about the affair, being metal abused, black thursday and then the PTSD.

I’ve felt since the start of house share I’m in total free fall – oh and by the way my hair seems to be falling out. I don’t mean that in a ironic way, I mean that in a – I keep waking up with a pillow full of hair way. In a – it looks like someone’s shaved cousin IT on my bathroom floor way.

The one place I have managed to hold it together is work.

Work I know, work I’m good at.

Manager took me for a coffee today.

There had been a promotion available in a different department.

‘Mandy I don’t want you to go for the promotion, I have something else in mind’

She explained what this was, I liked the sound of it so its something I’m going to go with.

She then moved on to something else. She told me she knew I was keeping it together at work but how was I at home.

I spilled the beans about the new therapy that starts tomorrow.

Good she said. She told me she feels I need more help.

She said that she thought I looked dead behind my eyes.

I smiled at her, I told her I thought I was.

I think I have taken as much as I can now.

I told her I felt I was free falling.

I’d lost hope of ever having a life.

I felt empty.

I had nothing to go on for.

No reason to go on.

No where to go, couldn’t stay here in the long term – watch him remarry, couldn’t move home where his family live.

No roots, no future, no reason.

She told me she thought I couldn’t go on like this.

She told me she would help me all she could.

She said that I had to push on and try to find meaning.

She said to carry on with my boxing.

I want one day to feel not emotionally dead.

I want to find meaning.

I want a life.

I want a future.

But I worry.

I worry that I’m going to carry on, live with the pain everyday and get back nothing. Never meet anyone, watch him remarry, watch him have kids. No one will ever want me. I don’t want to carry on for nothing.

I forgot to research PTSD, I’m not sure of how much I’m feeling is due to that.

The pain seems to override everything, consume it in white hot flame.

I want there to be something more than the pain.

Struggling today!

Had a good day yesterday!

Today though I can’t seem to break out of this mood.

Keep going to dark places! Can’t stop thinking of them together!

Why is the human mind so cruel?

I hate this ‘new’ life I have.

It’s so small, I feel so small.

I feel alone.

I don’t see meaning, I don’t see a future!

I don’t see how I’m going to make it through this.

House share wants to meet for a coffee. He tried to make me dinner for 2 nights in a row.

I’m so wary of him now. I don’t like myself when I feel like that. He’s a good person but I feel that he’s ruined it.

Him asking me ‘to take things further’ was way out of line. I’m looking for meaning in everything he says it does.

I don’t enjoy spending time with him.

There’s a elephant In the room.

I hate this life I live now.

I’m feeling shit.

The spider plant.

Dipstick loved spider plants.

I did not.

However because I wanted him to be happy I brought one for him.

It grew and grew and grew.

It became the green monster living in our bathroom.

When dipstick left he requested custody of said green monster.

At this point for some reason I decided I love the spider plant more than life it’s self.

I have brought it with me to new bathroom in new house share.

I’m looking at it now.

I hate again.

I’ve stopped watering it.

I’m slightly worried that I’m torturing a plant.

What does that say about me?

Why am I clinging to a plant?

Why am I clinging to a plant I don’t like?

Maybe I should water it….

I miss him.

Some people from work persuaded me to go out for a few drinks tonight.

Meds seem to impact the effect of drink.

I only had 3 but I’m a bit drunk.

It’s Monday tomorrow

He will text me. He always texts me Monday to Friday 9 to 5. She works in a different part of the building. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much he contacts me.

I miss him.

I hate sleeping alone.

I miss him so much that my chest aches.

I miss him so much, with every cell.

I feel overwhelmed with my sadness tonight.

I feel so sad. I miss him.

I want a hug.

Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

The Memory Warehouse.

memory

I’m meant to be looking for somewhere to live but after 10 minutes of looking its pretty clear that I’m not going to find a nice place of my own for my budget.

So 2 choices – either house share or a crappy scummy flat above a shop somewhere.

Choices, choice – well I’m going to go for a walk soon and have a think but that’s not what this post is about.

While packing my stuff i found a book that Dipstick (that what i’m going to call him from now on) brought for me about 9 months ago – Just about the time he started shagging her.

It saying in it ‘love you xxx’ it made me think. did he mean this at the time he wrote this?

I sat for a while and started thinking about the book itself.

Dream-catcher by Stephen King

The memory warehouse – i always loved the idea.

I wish i could climb up into mine and remove every piece of him.

But having sat here for a while – i was 11 when we met – how much would be left?

Not a lot i imagine!!

How many of my shelves would have nothing but spiders and cob webs filling them.

I genuinely feel like he is such a large piece of my life that has now gone.

How do i get past this?

I think of him a million times a day.

I wish i could open my memory warehouse and throw a Molotov cocktail in there.

I wish i could wake up and not remember any of him!

Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

When i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.

Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.