I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.
I’m going to do it!
I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!
I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.
I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –
him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,
I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.
I cant let myself do it anymore.
The issue is it leaves me numb.
I feel dead inside.
I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.
When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.
I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.
I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.
I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.
I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.
I feel like shes got bits missing.
She just wants to run and run and run.
She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.
She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.
Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.
She wants peace.
She wants not to be caged.
She wants to run.
She wants to free.
Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.
She wants not to hurt.
She wants peace.
Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.
She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.
She is so hurt.
I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.
I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.
I sense her unease and just want to calm her.
I feel numb.