Have I found the yellow brick road?

First of all

Hi

I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while.

I had to take a step back. Just for a while, just to breath, to survey the horizon.

I’ve been doing some pretty intense work with my therapist. She has literally saved me. There’s no need to go into gory detail but when this year started I’d had 0 suicide attempts in my life. I’m hoping the the 3 I’ve now chalked up will be the only 3 I’ll ever have.

I’m finally accepting everything that’s happened. For a long time I thought I had accepted it. I kept telling her in session that I had but in reality I hadn’t. I told my friends, my family – anyone that would listen really I had accepted it. I was lying to myself.

So here goes…..

The only man I have ever loved is gone. He’s living with someone else. He didn’t treat he very well sometime. Sometimes he treated me kindly. Sometimes he was mentally abusive. For a long time I allowed that. Sometimes I baited him. For a long long time I’ve been incredible lonely. I believed that any attention from him (no matter now damaging) was better than none. The man I loved likes to email me. Sometime I still reply, if I don’t he starts texting. Sometimes the emails make me cry but this is rare. The man I loved is terrified I no longer want him in my life. The man I loved still refers to me by my pet name and signs them with his. I have kept them all. I may need them in the future.

I’m going to try hard not to talk about him much anymore.

This is about me and not him. He’s gone, he’s a shadow, a ghost. A faceless form that haunts my dreams and only communicates electronically.

So onwards and upwards.

A very kind wordpresser once wrote a blog entry called

The yellow brick road

At the time it was written I had no hope just pain, just white hot putrid pain.

I couldn’t imagine laughing, smiling, or hoping ever again.

But maybe I’m now finally finding my way back to the living.

Back when everything happened the first call I made was to a friend of mine.

She was friends with both of us, she has actually been the one to warm me of Its history as a home wrecker.

But I didn’t call her to tell her she was right, I called her because she was my closest friend.

I remember only just getting the words out and she burst into tears. She kept saying

No Mandy No

I only contacted her a few times after the initial fall out. She was too close to the pain.

I’m planning a lunch date with her next week. Seeing her reminds me of him but she worth it.

I have a little clarity now without the drama.

To tell you everything that has happened would take too long but nothing really has happened.

The world has kept spinning and I’ve learnt to break free of 99% of the contact.

I’m starting to spread my wings.

Eharmony was a total punt, a shot in the dark.

An experiment really.

I have no idea what the dating scene is like and just wanted a little in site into how adults talk to potential mates.

In reality it was way too early but my therapist keep telling me there is no rule book.

I fired a few messages out.

Got a few phone numbers straight off.

Ignored them all – anyone who gives you their phone number without even talking to you is not someone I want to know.

And then there was band dude.

He was polite but persitant. Encouraging but challenging. Serious but sweet.

After 4 weeks I gave him my number.

He asked for a date and I declined.

I told him a little of what had happened, that in had no interest in sleeping around and was looking for someone I could really get to know.

He went quite for a while then asked if he could visit me in February.

I agreed.

So the day after valentines day he’s traveling 200 miles to spend the day with me.

All he wants is a walk on the beach.

We text everyday and chat on the phone each week.

I know I shouldn’t but I fully expect him to come to his senses and call our little meeting off.

Band dude is quirky, he likes the same books and tv as me.

We like the same music and the same festivals.

I’m still living in the house share but I’m looking for a new place with (female) boxing buddy.

I’ve had a little promotion at work.

So life I suppose is moving on, like rusty gears turning for the first time in a while, things are slow but there is progress.

I’m not so innocent that I believe that me and band guy are destined to be a couple and have a million kids, but I do think I may have gained a friend and maybe a little hope that everything will one day be ok.

And to finish I think I’ll steal a quote from the blog entry that stayed with me for the last 8 months.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul. And sings to the tune without words, and never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson

I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

Trolls or opinions?

So yesterday I nearly shut down my blog.

My posts have reduced in number over the past week or so.

This is mainly because I seem to have acquired 3 trolls.

I assume it’s 3 different ones – they all use anonymous messages or profiles that have no blogs attached.

They tell me it’s my fault I’m going to end up divorced.

They tell me to take him back.

They tell me I’m going to end up alone and not meet anyone?

They tell me my children are going to end up alone (I have none so their reading skills aren’t that great).

They told me the affair was my fault and I should be taking it so seriously.

Someone told me the other day I was gong to die alone.

I started this to be heard.

I now don’t like logging on to WordPress anymore.

Mind reader?

Yesterday I posted a open letter to my ex.

Today a little hand grenade landed in my inbox.

My blog is anonymous, not a single person knows about it.

I know he couldn’t have read it but it’s odd.

It contains the usual

* he misses me
* he’s worried for me
* he cares about
* he has love for me

It’s funny he didn’t seem to be thinking about these things when he was regularly putting his dick in someone else.

I don’t know if I’m going to respond.

Dear Dipstick

To my dear Dipstick

I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.

Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.

I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.

Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.

In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.

I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.

You took my life and you made it a bomb site.

You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.

I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why?

Why?

But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.

My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.

Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.

You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.

You should have taken more responsibility for things.

You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?

Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?

I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.

I don’t think I will meet anyone else.

I loved you with everything I was.

But I’m not what I was anymore.

I’m new.

I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.

I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.

I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.

I cooked a roast dinner!

Today I cooked a roast. It’s the first roast I have cooked in 5 months.

A friend came round and we have chatted and cooked.

I did all the cooking in the relationship.

I’ve been living on scrambled eggs since he went.

It’s been good to cook for someone.

Today hasn’t been a bad day.

Dipsticks family haven’t contacted me as they said they would.

I’m ok with that.

Grave yard!

The pain that my dreams caused me last night has faded but its left a residual layer of swirling anger.

I left work for therapy early, there’s a grave yard next door to her office.

I always thought it was small and overgrown and forgotten.

After arriving early I went for a walk in there.

I walk further than I normally do and I was surprised to find that a path that leads around a giant conifer. It takes you to a new kept part.

It’s humbled me, calmed me.

So much loss, so many memories, but the one thing that stands out most is the amount of love that is held here.

I’ve had a good few days, I think I had almost forgotten the lows.

Today is a low day but today I carry hope that things will get better one day.

Cruel cruel cruel cruel

Just dreamed about the whole thing.

Every detail, every cut, every rip, every tear, every crossed word.

Ahhhhhhh

I hurt this morning, I hurt deeply, the pain is indescribable.

What if I was better?
What if I was skinnier?
What if I did as I was asked more?

Ahhhhhhh

I’m hoping like with all dream this fades as the day goes on!!!!!!

A nice end to a shit day.

Went to boxing.

I was having a bit of a crap session, couldn’t find my rhythm.

Out of the blue the guy on the next bag came over.

‘You need to keep your guard up a bit more, also wait a second or two after throwing your jab to swing with your leading hand, that will give you more power’.

For a moment I looked at him liked he’d just landed from the moon.

I then found my voice and said I was having issues today, couldn’t get it happening.

He had noticed I was southpaw, ‘like rocky’ he said that would be more difficult for other boxers when I got up to speed. He talked boxing for a second.

He then offered me his bag as it was heavier and mine kept getting away from me.

He never asked my name, I never asked his.

He talked to me because he wanted too.

He didn’t get anything out if it, in fact he ended up with a crappier bag.

At the end of the session he nodded and smiled at me as he left.

This has made me smile.

I might ask his name if I see him at the boxing gym again.

Today I met someone new, I might not meet him again.

No matter if I do nor not – he has made me smile. He was kind and cute.